Redundant Redundancies

repeat

Publikworks is passionate about his call to action featured in the February 25th blog “Stop That” https://publikworks.wordpress.com/2015/02/25/stop-that/ He believes the word “that” is being foisted on the public in what is a grammatically senseless act. Publikworks makes an impassioned plea to omit “that” when it is inserted unnecessarily into a perfectly good sentence.

Redundant redundancies occur frequently in life, but I do find it odd Publikworks focuses on “that” when there are multiple equally senseless actions taking place at any given time. For instance quotations “” marks used to assign credit to an original work. It is my contention nothing original has been written since papyrus was introduced. As Ambrose Bierce was fond of saying, “Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.”

In order to extend the superfluous work begun by Publikworks I would like to offer other useless personal items that I am constantly called upon to employ.

Keys – I have pockets full of them that I need every day! In fact, I have multiple drawers full of keys I may or may not need. I am afraid to throw them away, due to worries I may encounter a lock securing something I’d forgotten I needed.

I question the entire idea of keys. Much like a “Key to the City”, we all know keys don’t do much. The idea that a thief is going to be stopped by a simple lock and key seems like quaint logic. Especially since everyone knows most doors can be kicked open easily or defeated with a handy bobby pin obtained from a beautiful assistant.

In short, keys are made to bother honest people and as Diogenes discovered, they are hard to find.

Coins – The handful of metal mixed with your cash you drop between your door and the McDonald’s drive-up window you can’t retrieve because your car door won’t open wide enough to get your hand out and who really cares about that little bit of money anyway.

Working together with your keys and possibly a wallet, the only practical reason for loose change is to act as ballast to your pants, making sure that your inseam doesn’t ride up into your crotch. Of course that extra weight necessitates the addition of a belt to counteract the downward thrust of the coins.

Besides what good are coins anyway? Years ago as a youth, I began placing my coins into a can to save up for a good bike. Now 40 years later, a good bike costs many thousands of dollars and I am still putting coins into cans to save for it.

Wallet – That rare blend of leather (pleather?) and acrylic sleeves used to hold currency, credit cards, photos and identification cards. Most men carry theirs in the right back pocket and believe women are attracted to the sight of a particularly bulky one. Some men carry big long ones with snaps that are so bulky, an additional chain is employed to guard against woman who frequent truck stops.

The absolute need for a wallet is questionable at most. Identification and credit information can be achieved with a small implant. My cat (Charles) recently had one of those installed at the same time he was fixed, All of Chuck’s information is available through the use of a simple hand scanner and as an added benefit, he no longer wants to pee on everything.

While this is not a complete listing of useless or redundant items I feel they represent the type of items which should be eliminated through judicious pruning.

Remember if a magician really needs an assistant, why does he need to make them disappear?

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