You might need a lawyer if…

Once in a while good people come up with bad ideas.

You might need a lawyer if… you have a parachute repair company

You might need a lawyer if… you start an alligator petting zoo

You might need a lawyer if… your catering business features Tuna Surprise

You might need a lawyer if… your wife writes an advice column for newlyweds

You might need a lawyer if… you sell teenagers a fuel saving kits containing a siphon hose and a gas can

You might need a lawyer if… you provide trampolines to senior care centers

You might need a lawyer if… you rent barrels to slow circus clowns

You might need a lawyer if… you teach wing walking to people with vertigo

You might need a lawyer if… you supply gas powered margarita blenders to bridal showers

You might need a lawyer if… you deliver anvils for “ACME” Company

You might need a lawyer if… you refurbish and sell stepladders

©2015 – Clarence Holm

During The Fall

Two days before, I had visited an orthopedist who diagnosed multiple tears in the meniscus of my right knee. Promising relief until surgery could be scheduled, a healthy amount of cortisone was injected into my knee. Packaged with some some pain pills, I was sent home to lick my wounds.

In the middle of a restless night, I decided to go to my computer to catch up on some research. Rather than turn on a light I bumped my way down the hall to the study. Unfortunately a plastic tray was left on the floor which allowed my injured leg to glide forward on it, leaving me in an awkward muscle stretching pose.

It was at this moment that this whining senryu occurred to me.

3/30/2015cjh

sliding awareness
ensuing comprehension-
this is gonna hurt

 -Clarence Holm

Something In My Shoe Today

foot

There’s something poking my foot today
It’s been bugging me all day long.
Not big enough to cause dismay,
Just enough to feel it’s wrong.

I have on shoes I seldom wear
Cause I’m dressed up for a meeting.
Lucky for me they are easy care
And slip off with no one seeing.

I rub my foot on my other shoe
In hopes this stops the jabbing.
Next I twist the shoe for a quick review,
To end the persistent stabbing.

Alas there’s trouble with my sock today
Cause there was nothing in the shoe.
I pull and twist my leg in lithe ballet
Seeking a better view.

Drat, it must be in my sock today
Deep inside the cotton fleecing.
I plot my move to slip away
To turn it inside out for shaking.

I’m feeling so much better now
The irksome itch has departed.
For when I shook it when time allowed,
It the best I’ve felt since the meeting started.

– Clarence Holm

Charlie (The Cat) Uses Up Lives 1 through 7

Shared in hopes this will save others from this tragic behavior!

I have three cats that live with my family at home. Normally they are content to remain aloof, allowing us to serve them food at their whim and clean out their litterbox. They allow us to do that out of their desire to obtain every creature comfort they can envision. All we have to do is not ask anything of them in return.

That arraignment has worked perfectly well for a few years now. We put food in their bowl and they empty it. They put poop and pee in the litterbox and we empty it. It is the “Tit for tat” of our understanding with them.

That is until two months ago when my wife noticed a fragrant smell on our new cloth ottoman. It seemed that one of the cats had left a territorial marker on the furniture. In the years preceding this we had never had a problem, so we were shocked. We quickly got out the cleaning materials and scrubbed the fabric. My sister in law volunteered some spray scent neutralizer, from her failed cat experience, for the clean-up. We hoped upon hope that the “accident” was a one- time occurrence!

For a week or so it appeared like we were lucky, until my wife went to grab some freshly washed laundry waiting to be folded. “That’s weird” she said. “Some of the clothes are still wet!”

She dropped the hamper and screamed, “Those damn cats peed all over our clothes! They are your cats, go teach them not to do that.” Now I admit the cats and I do have a relationship, but it only covers where each of us lay at naptime, other than that I am just a member of the “feed and scoop team”.

My wife screamed, “If those cat can’t control themselves – we’ll have to get rid of them — and as far as I’m concerned,” she continued. “Those cats have used up two lives. If they use them all up – they go! One way or another.”

Things went from bad to worse in our home and more accidents happened. My daughter came home from college with a load of clothes to wash. Within just a few minutes the entire load was “pre-treated”! Later that day two upholstered chairs were soaked and to make things worse, we were not totally sure of which cat was the culprit. Although one of them did appeared a little sheepish when my wife interrogated them.

“They used up six lives” my wife pointedly said. “Cats only get nine!”

We were desperate. We actually liked our cats and thought we were bonded. They had recently taught us how to play fetch with them. We pulled up the ASPCA website and typed in Cat Pee. Thousands of articles came up including; “How to break a cat that is marking territory in 200 easy steps.” Another claimed, “High powered cleaners guaranteed to eliminate fabric color and smells!” One other mentioned, “10 foolproof methods to burn a house for the insurance.”

It looked like there might be no answers until my wife spotted, “Pheromones – The natural way to control your cat!” “Chemicals” I said. “I knew that Monsanto and DuPont would have the answer.” We went to our local PetSmart and purchased every sprayer/diffuser/applicator that mentioned pheromones. We also found cat collars infused with Chamomile – guaranteed to give your cat a sense of well-being. And, just for the heck of it we got one more covered litter box to give them another option.

$200.00 dollars later we left the store, but not before a clerk said. “Make sure you have your Vet check your cat, it might just be an infection!”

We got home and deployed our chemicals, put collars on our cat, and set-up a new litter station. We were sure we had found the solution. Our cats would inhale the fumes and float off into an euphoric cat trance, ending our woes.

Two hours later, our young male, Charlie jumps onto a sweatshirt I had just taken off and squatted- peeing all over it. I grabbed him and tossed him out the door. (He is an indoor/outdoor cat) I was shocked the cat just did it right in front of me and what was worse, he was wearing that stupid collar. “That’s seven strikes!” My wife yelled.

We knew we had to take action. We immediately made an emergency vet appointment to have him checked for an infection.

The next day we loaded the cat into a carrier and brought him to the Vet. A quick exam showed no sign of an infection or fever. But the Vet did say that sometimes a change in furniture or the arrival of a new cat in the neighborhood could cause that behavior. She also asked how many litter boxes we had and what type. It seems cat can be very particular about toilet facilities and some don’t like having lids on them. She suggested we take them all off the trays when we get home.

We get home and did what the Vet said to do. We uncovered all the trays, even though we had paid big bucks for them in the hopes it would contain the mess and foul odors.

We let Charlie out of his carrier and he immediately went to the tray and peed in it. It was like he had been waiting for weeks for us to do that.

We have had no further problems with the cat’s pee – thanks heaven because Charlie was running out of lives.

– Clarence Holm

Sox Rant

According to GetGuidance.com, a British consumer site, I am a member of the 1%

Before you get too jealous about this revelation, you should understand that I am referring to a shoe size! My feet are larger than 99% of the men that are my age who were surveyed for this study. (My mom always said I was exceptional, and now I know that she was correct. At least about my shoe size)

The problem is as a robust member of that above average group, I have discovered, from real world experience, that very few socks are made that fit my feet. If I were to go to a “normal” store, I would be offered a large selection of “one size fits all” socks along with a much smaller selection of “Big Mans” socks that are, despite the large bold print, still too small for me. (Regular socks fit men with a socks size of up to size 11, and Big Man’s go to size 13) I unfortunately require a size 13.5 sock. For those of you interested in measuring your own personal sock size, obtain your shoe size and add one(1) to it and you get your sock size. So with the help of a calculator, my shoe size 12.5 then translates to a sock size 13.5!

I’ve never before considered myself gargantuan, but it appears that in the world of socks, I am massive. Even if I were to go to a men’s “Big & Tall Store”, the odds of me being able to purchase comfortable socks are tragically limited. The ones that do fit cover the entire calf, have stripes on them and are labeled “For the Hefty Soccer Dad!”

I have checked for specialty shops that advertise socks for the digitally enhanced and have come up empty. It appears that I am stuck trying to purchase “stretchy” big man soccer socks and hope that my Pleated Dockers Slacks cover them.

I am seriously considering creating a men’s wear support group for people who are sick and tired of not having the wool pulled over their heel. I have even come up with a spokesman, Saul Bunyan and his little pal Babe – The Blue Sox.

Gee – I wonder where Bozo buys his socks?