Q: Dear Clarence, recently I made some resolutions in front of my friends and family. Since that time, it was brought to my attention, I might have to actually honor those words. What can I do to get myself out of this fix.
Eating my words in Delano
A: Dear Delano, first of all, remind everyone that most resolutions are doomed to fail. Secondly, point out that silly resolutions are made all the time, for instance: US House Resolution 419, establishing the National Dog Bite Prevention Week or House Resolution 578 calling for a National Watermelon Month. (An obvious slight against the cantaloupe.) Announce that you have no intention of being held to such an artificial standard and will work in your own way to accomplish your goals. It is the right thing to do! Besides you need all your time to join into the effort to support House Bill 486, that supports the ideal of teaching Americans to sing the National Anthem correctly.
Q: Mr. Clarence, my wife would like me to put in new flooring in the bathroom. Is this hard to do? I noticed a little “softness in the corner of the sheet rock behind the toilet, should I work on that too.
Disaster Waiting to Happen Guy
A: Dear Disaster, have you had a physical lately? Do you have access to unlimited funds? By any chance has you wife started talking color swatches? My advice is to set up a trust fund and hire a carpenter to begin the process. Set an extra plate at the table, because he will be there for a while.
Q: Dear Clarence, recently I started to pay attention to the presidential debates. Can you explain to me what they are talking about?
A: Dear Perplexed, you are under the illusion that just because someone says something, it must have meaning. Nothing could be further from the truth, I have known many politicians that have not really said anything for years. In fact, they hold races just to find out who can speak the most words without expressing a thought.
*Dear Clarence’s advice should be taken with a grain of salt or a dinner roll, depending on your appetite.