Eight Surefire Ways to Self-Market a New Book

You’ve written a book and had 250 copies printed, you’ve sold two to your in-laws – now what do you do to get the rest of your $1,000 investment back?

Here are some 8 proven methods to enhance your sales

1) The Chain Book – Start you own bookstore utilizing “The Chain Book”. In 1932, a starving author wrote a book about fisherman and a haddock. Although the book was beautiful he had no sales, so he decided to start a club to allow everyone to make money. To start with, he put 24 similarly broke author’s names on a list and sent them a letter explaining his new book club. He instructed them to send a copy of their book to the person whose name was on the top of the list. Then each person was to remove the name of the first person from the list, add their name to the bottom and send the new list to the others on the list. Within just a few weeks 6000 books would arrive at their door to start their own book store – if no one breaks the chain of the book club.
2) Start a Writers Workshop – Teach a class for the workshop and force the student to purchase your book as a textbook and then revise it annually, so it can’t be sold to the next years students. Include lots of blank pages for class notes.
3) Share your vision – Proclaim your own religion or philosophy, become tax exempt and claim your book was a vision from God to be distributed to the chosen as a bible. Share the good news for a small tax-deductible donation. Salvation available for the truly devout.
4) Christmas Book Club – contact a grocery store and sell them on the idea of using the book as a shopper’s premium. For each $50 spent in their store, the manager would put in an “Order” for a chapter of the book for that customer. (The number of chapters could be negotiated with the store). When the shopper attains all the chapters of the free book, the loose pages would be delivered to the store where a display of beautiful covers would be for sale to complete the offer.
5) Build a Busy Bee Book Club – Parents would bring the child to the store on his birthday, along with his friends, to build a special book. For $25, each child would be given a blank cover that could be filled with pages from your book. Of course the child could color and decorate their own book to their specific taste. Special fonts and binding would be available for a small extra cost. For very special children, paid craftsmen could build the book and a professionally colored covers could be installed. A special handwritten note would be included in the jacket telling them to have a happy birthday for an extra charge.
6) Limited Edition Copies – Obtain an “exclusive” list of customers from your local phone book.
Send each a letter explaining how they are part of a “select” group of people who have been invited to purchase a Limited Edition Copy of your book. Of course these books are signed and numbered by you and shipped directly to the customer for a premium price. Extra non-exclusive copies would also be available for use as Christmas or Birthday Gifts at a lower bargain price.
7) Plant a Tree and a Book in Lebanon – To help with the reforestation of Lebanon, you would pledge a percentage of your book sale profits to be used to plant Cedar trees in Lebanon. Explain with a lot of book sales, plenty of water, and two or three hundred years, a wooden ship building industry could start again because of these fine patrons.
8) School Book Fund Raisers – Busy students are happy students, put them on the team by sending them home with ten books, of which the parents must purchase 9 that can be resold for $8 each. The tenth book could be kept at home or used for a fun Christmas gift. Extra sets would be available for the student overachiever.

For other great ideas and promotional items, Clarence Holm will soon be releasing his latest book with pre-sale pricing now available. Contact Clarence for group pricing discounts.

Fractured Christmas Memories

The Way I Always Remembered It To Be!

(Midwest Lutheran Christmas Memories)

Come Join Us

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Holly Jolly Christmas Eve Potluck and Candlelight Service
5:30 P.M. Thursday, December 24th 1968
Second Original Acts of Christ Church
Just down the street from the Hi-10 Bowling Alley
Pleasantville, USA

Candlelight Service Program

Processional
O Holy Night (Sung by the Women Choir and Quilting Circle)
Gospel (Luke 2)
Ave Maria (Performed by Holy Spirit Wind and Bugle Quintet)
Christmas Sermon “The Shepherd’s Lost Sheep” (Senior Pastor Leigh Olafson)
Communion (Open to all Good ELC Lutherans)
Second Grade Rhythm Band Performing Little Drummer Boy
(Verses 1,3, 4 & 5)
Must Be Santa (Guest Appearance by The First Lutheran’s “Men Holding Womens Purses”

Pastor’s Christmas Blessing
Conclusion
”Hallelujah Chorus” from Händel’s Messiah (Full Choir and Featuring the Soprano Talents of Charlotte Peterson)

Immediately following the service join us in the Lutheran Fellowship Hall for:

Holly Jolly Christmas Eve Potluck

-Featuring-

Aunt Betty Olson’s Ultimate 12 Bean and Hamburger Hotdish
Josephine Torgerson’s Red and Green Shimmering Surprise
Joyce Anderson’s American Cheese Wrapped Cervelat Chunks
Justine Larson’s Swedish Meatballs Served with Mint Flavored Toothpicks
Ethyl Bjornson’s Scalded Milk and Oysters with Toast
Bonnie Gustofson’s Holiday M&M’s Mixed with Planters Salted Peanuts
Lois Goldenstein’s Cranberry and Ginger Ale Punch with ice cubes shaped like Christmas Bells
Coffee and Cookies served by the Ladies Prayer Circle

-Free Will Left on Entry Table-

Please note that the Men’s Service Unit 2 is responsible for putting away all tables and chairs this year while the women folk take care of the dishes.

(Please remember to label your casserole dishes so we know who did it.)

Redundant Redundancies

repeat

Publikworks is passionate about his call to action featured in the February 25th blog “Stop That” https://publikworks.wordpress.com/2015/02/25/stop-that/ He believes the word “that” is being foisted on the public in what is a grammatically senseless act. Publikworks makes an impassioned plea to omit “that” when it is inserted unnecessarily into a perfectly good sentence.

Redundant redundancies occur frequently in life, but I do find it odd Publikworks focuses on “that” when there are multiple equally senseless actions taking place at any given time. For instance quotations “” marks used to assign credit to an original work. It is my contention nothing original has been written since papyrus was introduced. As Ambrose Bierce was fond of saying, “Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.”

In order to extend the superfluous work begun by Publikworks I would like to offer other useless personal items that I am constantly called upon to employ.

Keys – I have pockets full of them that I need every day! In fact, I have multiple drawers full of keys I may or may not need. I am afraid to throw them away, due to worries I may encounter a lock securing something I’d forgotten I needed.

I question the entire idea of keys. Much like a “Key to the City”, we all know keys don’t do much. The idea that a thief is going to be stopped by a simple lock and key seems like quaint logic. Especially since everyone knows most doors can be kicked open easily or defeated with a handy bobby pin obtained from a beautiful assistant.

In short, keys are made to bother honest people and as Diogenes discovered, they are hard to find.

Coins – The handful of metal mixed with your cash you drop between your door and the McDonald’s drive-up window you can’t retrieve because your car door won’t open wide enough to get your hand out and who really cares about that little bit of money anyway.

Working together with your keys and possibly a wallet, the only practical reason for loose change is to act as ballast to your pants, making sure that your inseam doesn’t ride up into your crotch. Of course that extra weight necessitates the addition of a belt to counteract the downward thrust of the coins.

Besides what good are coins anyway? Years ago as a youth, I began placing my coins into a can to save up for a good bike. Now 40 years later, a good bike costs many thousands of dollars and I am still putting coins into cans to save for it.

Wallet – That rare blend of leather (pleather?) and acrylic sleeves used to hold currency, credit cards, photos and identification cards. Most men carry theirs in the right back pocket and believe women are attracted to the sight of a particularly bulky one. Some men carry big long ones with snaps that are so bulky, an additional chain is employed to guard against woman who frequent truck stops.

The absolute need for a wallet is questionable at most. Identification and credit information can be achieved with a small implant. My cat (Charles) recently had one of those installed at the same time he was fixed, All of Chuck’s information is available through the use of a simple hand scanner and as an added benefit, he no longer wants to pee on everything.

While this is not a complete listing of useless or redundant items I feel they represent the type of items which should be eliminated through judicious pruning.

Remember if a magician really needs an assistant, why does he need to make them disappear?