satire

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Bill Belichick Is Evil

rules

Bill Belichick is evil
I’ve seen it in his eyes
He specializes in coaching primeval
His offense is his disguise.

He reigns over a stadium in Boston
Located in the A F C.
Deep down he want to be in Canton
But to do so he needs one more than three.

Bill wants his legacy
And he is willing to sell his soul.
The suspicion, the rumors, happen coincidentally
And were always beyond his control

Deflated footballs, stolen signals
Muddied reputation, league levied fines
Some sages toss the word immoral
But who doesn’t cheat sometimes!

– Clarence Holm

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To Everyone’s Health

– Clarence Holm

I’ve declared myself gluten free
It was easier than I thought it would be.
Not that I ever changed my diet
I just wanted the peace and quiet.

I had it with all pseudo authorities
Who bully people with snobbish priorities.
I understand some must abstain
But to the others, you really pull my chain.

To those who have trouble with grain dough
I know the humors not very apropos.
But to banish all from wheat and malt
Next thing you know it will be our salt.

(To those who truly have Celiac Disease my prayers for health are with you. For those whose main goal in life is to convince people you have it when you don’t – you have my prayers too.)

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Identigaffe© & Blunderfriend©

I have two new Facebook terms I’ve coined.

One is “identigaffe”© defined as thinking you are talking to a classmate on Facebook only to find out it’s someone else with the same name.

The second word is “Blunderfriend”© defined as the relationship established after the identigaffe© is discovered and the subsequent realization that the person you mistakenly identified as an old classmate has more in common with you then your old classmate did.

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Eraseathreat.com (A Whammo Solution)

In this new world order, featuring a shared economy, Whammo** introduces…

Eraseathreat.com

bomb

When you care enough to strong arm with the very best!

A World Built on Sharing

Eraseathreat.com can trace its roots to 1947 when two military powers found they had excess weaponry to share. They believed this excess could be used to target an invading force looking for a place to cause political destabilization, through a mutually agreed upon flexible treaty. Now, hundreds of nations and despots can choose to create a free Erasathreat account so they too can list their munitions and spare troops for use in beneficial treaties, anywhere or anytime in the world.

Strategic Services

Eraseathreat.com helps make warfare easy, enjoyable, and safe. We verify military weaponry and troop strength, maintain a clandestine messaging system, so hosts and guests can communicate with impunity, and manage a secure platform to collect and transfer specific treaty payments.

What Strategic Services Can Be Listed?

Eraseathreat.com is a community marketplace for unique weaponry. We welcome many different kinds of listings on our site as long as they meet the following criteria:

  • The listing is used solely for threat removal
  • The listing, if a mobile equipment, naval, or air power, will be semi-permanently attached to a set region for the duration of a occupation
  • The listing is accurately represented, under complete control of the host and can be controlled by the threatened government

Listings that don’t meet these criteria will be removed, such as:

  • Air power, Armed Forces or Naval Equipment intended for long term occupation (ten years or more, unless conflict is renewed by a new provocateur.
  • Any listing whose primary purpose is other than serving as threat removal

If we discover a listing that doesn’t meet our guidelines, we may at our discretion, exercise a limit, or suspend, deactivate, or cancel the host’s account or social order. Take a look at our Terms of Service for more information and other requirements for listing your service on Eraseathreat.

How does the Eraseathreat payment system work?

Our payment system is secure, reliable, and convenient, supporting many currencies and several types of commodities such as gold, silver or diamonds.

Payment: the money a guest pays for a services.

Payout: the money a host receives for a services.

When submitting a battle action to a host, the guest provides his or her payment details and the payment method may be authorized for a charge. If the reservation request is retracted, declined, or expires, we do not complete the process, the military is allowed to stand down and the weaponry is secured, a minimum charge or 75% will be accessed .

If the reservation is accepted, the payment is processed and collected by Eraseathreat in full.* Whether the conflict is two days or two months away, we hold the payment until 24 hours after the intended provocation before releasing the funds. This gives both parties time to do an after action inspection by an accredited multinational force.

Eraseathreat encourages cash payments or appropriate commodity transfers. However, In order to uphold our Terms of Service, transactions must take place at a third party site. By completing your transactions on the third party site, the security of your funds are ensured, and you’ll be protected by policies, such as anonymity requests, cancellation policies and our special unused munitions refund policy.

24/7 Targeting Support

Whether you’re assaulting or threatening, we’re here for you before, during, and after your experience. We’ve answered the most common questions about warfare in our Help Center, and for everything else you can contact us by visiting Eraseathreat.com /contact.

*Rent unique ways to eliminate worldwide threats without the expense of maintaining a standing army.

** Whammo is a fictitious company and is not representative of any governmental body.

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The Sharing Economy – Sharpen Your Fork

-Clarence Holm

Lyft, Airbnb, and Uber have created quite a stir. Some have claimed it’s  “The End of Capitalism” or “The Millennial’s American Dream” another says. Social medial can’t seem to get enough of the “new” ways to provide goods and services.

To the proponents of these dreams, I say “Beware, sharing is not all it’s cracked up to be!”

First of all, I must acknowledge that I have a predisposition to suspect the motives of anyone who wants to share. From a very early age I learned to be leery of anyone who asks for you “a little bite” of your hotdog or a “sip” of your chocolate milk. Experience taught me that not only would the little bite from the hot dog not be small, but there was a good chance they would also take the remaining wiener, leaving you with only a smear of ketchup and mustard on an empty, soggy bun. And as for sipping your chocolate milk, if it wasn’t slurped in one big gulp, chances are very good there would be left over hot dog bun floating on the top.

If the “no sharing” lesson didn’t take hold in grade school, college should have finished off the sharing spirit. It only took you one time to learn that if you hold a keg party in your house and put a cup out for people to “chip in” not only will you not get any money, but someone will steal the cup. At the same time the keg is being emptied other “guests” will share everything in your cupboards or refrigerator (cooked or raw).

Of course, everything changed when I graduated from college and entered into the world of grown-ups and business. Times were tough and because I was living on a tight starting salary it made sense to me to share an apartment. It turns out that sharing included roommates skipping out in the middle of the night with my record collection in tow and leaving me to discover that he had a girlfriend four states away that loved to talk on the telephone –funny how he thought it would be a great idea to get a phone line under my name only.

Now I hear of the great idea called Airbnb that suggests sharing my home with completely unknown individuals, who were paired with me by a computer program, over the internet. I mean what could go wrong with that idea? Or better yet, I should drive and pick up a stranger (Lyft anyone) and take them on a ride like a taxi to a destination of their choice. Again, what could go wrong with that? (Hasn’t anyone noticed that taxi cabs have sturdy bullet proof dividers between them and their customers?)

Now many would think that I am over reaching and my fears of “someone is being taken advantage” of are totally unfounded but, I still have misgivings. I guess it is hard to get over going to a local diner with high school buddies and ordering french fries. I learned pretty quick it was a good idea to order that side of fries with a sharp fork to defend them with.

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Incipient Individual Immovable Internal Inspection Icon Presented To Me By Me

SIXi ©  (pronounced  si-kē)

 Dedicated to people with their head stuck up their butt!

SIXi

“I want to thank the Academy of Arts, Sciences and Money for this wonderful award. Well, I’ll just say what’s in my heart: Ba-bump, ba-bump, ba-bump, ba-bump.”

-Mel Brooks

On the occasion of my 100th blog entry, I have decided to present myself with an award! (Being as no one else has seen fit to give me one) I do not do this lightly and to prove it here are the questions I posed to myself as part of my qualification survey.

Why would I do that?

Well, I have completed considerable research on accolades presented to individuals and organizations on an assortment of subjects by a diverse collection of interests and have determined that whatever I say will be just as valid.

But what would be the point?

While reviewing the different types of awards commonly given out, I have concluded that whatever their points once were, they had been lost long, long ago. Therefore I have decided to be blunt and just say I want one to placate my ego.

Can anyone stop me?

No!

Will this help or hurt the environment?

There may be limited damage and will only occur during the acceptance speech. This discharge could cause an increase in global warming due to the release of certain obnoxious gases. This damage could be minimized through the use an effective ventilation system along with an application of deodorant.

What would be the cost?

About $1.49

Will there be sponsors?

In the tradition of all major events there will be no commercial interruptions. Of course there will be continuous subliminal advertising, that might make you take an Aleve and wash it down with a Dew.

Will this be an Annual Award?

Being as I can only write my first 100 posts one time, I think that question is self-answering. However if someone else has their head stuck up the butt just as badly, there could be an exception made

Will there be a speech made?

No, I have nothing to say and probably never have.

Who do you give thanks to?

Oder Eaters (Another subliminal sponsor?)

Actually I would like to give thanks to my mother.

Any other words of wisdom?

I had none to start with.

As I have no other questions, I accept the “SIXi” on behalf of myself

Thanks – Clarence Holm

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Pure Science

Albert-Einstein2

– Clarence Holm

For the past month I have been trying to get my head around Michio Kaku’s book “Parallel Worlds” published in 2005. It’s been tough sledding as each paragraph read is followed by an equal amount of time exclaiming “Huh?”

The idea of multiple dimensions, traversing black holes and entertaining the notion of time travel excites me. But the sheer immensity of thought needed to capture even a partial picture grounds my feeble imagination. I’m afraid the knowledge of Einstein along with contemporary Astronomers and Physicists will remain out of my grasp.

That being said, I did manage to find an application for quantum physics in today’s world of Facebook and Twitter. While e=mc2 represents relativity, I believe my theorem helps us to identify and categorize jerks in social media.

Let me introduce my “Universal Theory of A-Putz” ©2014 Clarence Holm

Pomposity=Praise±{Urge/Talent×Zeal²}

And it’s corollary:

(Praise ±(Urge/Talent×Zeal²))/Attention

or simply stated: P³=P²±{U/T×Z²})/(A͚)

First of all I need to set some parameters:

Zeal=Drive and Drive=Zoom ergo Zeal²=ZoomZoom.

Let me explain my thinking. Many individuals approach social media with a limited supply of talent at the urging of a girlfriend or maybe a drunken buddy. While wandering through the cyberworld they realize that there are a lot of these same type of people who share his core belief system. Together they amplify their message, no matter what type of outside influencers (good or bad) try to influence the group.

Sooner or later some of these “Zealants” ©2014 Clarence Holm are divided into groups that cater to that subset and maximize their pomposity.

I can only think of one resolution to this theorem.

Zealants+Budweiser+ZoomZoom+Tree=RIP

This may be relying too heavily on Darwinism, but aren’t we all!

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Zombie Attack Preparations

Zombie Attack Representative

Zombie Attack Representative

Important Information in Case of Zombie Apocalypse Attack

-Clarence Holm

You already know about the importance of having insurance to cover your home, your auto, and your business. However, there may be limitations or outright exclusions in your standard insurance policies that may deny you coverage against the potential dangers that may be lurking in your future, a future that is increasingly at risk because of Zombie based insurance exceptions.

For example, did you realize that the Terrorism Risk Insurance Act (TRIA) is a federal legislation signed into law on November 26, 2002 by George W Bush, (This law was created in a bi-partisan congressional effort and was designed to act as secondary coverage for primary insurance coverage that are associated with acts of terrorism. This law was set to expire in 2005 but has been renewed a number of time, the latest of which is set to expire again on the last day of 2014) has no automatic coverage associated with it in the event of a likely Zombie Apocalypse Attack.

Some are familiar with Woody Allen’s graphic portrayal in his movie of “Take the Money and Run” when the main character is accosted by what seems to be an aggressive life insurance salesman, carrying a briefcase (supposedly filled with insurance documents and pens). The salesman is depicted as offering a whole-life policy, but what about the protection of an after-life event?

While this at first glance appears to be a classic Hollywood oversight, it may be part of a systematic effort to deny coverage for you and your family.

There have been many examples government conspiracies that may or may not have any association with the risk of a Zombie Apocalypse. For example, The Philadelphia Experiment was intriguing experimentation to make warships invisible. Unfortunately the end result was disturbing rumors of men severely harmed in shocking ways. Another example would be Chemtrail Theories where clouds of suspicions remain about contrails appearing in near space. Details of the chemicals involved in these sightings, and the threats that they are designed for, have not been shared with the general public.

Another frightening aspect of deficient Zombie Apocalypse Attack coverage insurance is the lack of a systemized follow-up care for you and your family. The U.S Small Business Administration (SBA) has five guiding principles.

SBA is constantly prepared to respond
SBA is well-trained to respond
SBA response at higher post-disaster demands requiring a “One SBA”
SBA takes pride in quality assurance
SBA’s plans are coordinated with its’ government partners

While these guiding principles are designed to support reassuring outcomes, none of them address our imagined insurance dilemma!

What is needed in a Zombie Attack insurance is a customer-focused, protection-driven model of partnerships that combines timely decision-creation, utilizing available insurance resource language with government jargon which would then purport an instituted coverage for multi-lived individuals. This High Urgency Regulatory Team would develop an Enveloping Strategy. (Also known as a “Hurt Bag”) Once in the “Hurt Bag” the Zombies would be contained until a disposal unit could be assembled.

This protection comes with a cost, in most cases a cost too high to be covered by one individual, family or business. That why insurance protection needs to be purchased to help you deal with a real attack situation.

Talk to a trusted quality Zombie-Attack Representative. Ask for a policy to protect you from the costs designed to supplement any “Hurt Bag” sponsored program.

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History of Accounting

Long ago there was a glen surrounded by a cool mountain stream that could only be accessed by crossing an ancient stone bridge. This bridge was the home of a family of trolls that derived their income from the sheep that were driven across the bridge to graze on the grass in the glen by shepherds that worked for surrounding small farms. For each sheep that crossed over the bridge the trolls collected a small fare.

Because the fare was so insignificant, the troll would have to keep records of each sheep and which farm owned it. At the end of each month they could collect for the number of times a farm’s sheep crossed the bridge.

For many years, the trolls kept track by placing small rocks for each sheep in piles that was assigned to particular farms. At the end of the month they would count the rocks and send each farm a bill for each of their sheep that crossed the bridge to graze on the lush grass.

This system worked very well for centuries until one day, the king of the country decided he wanted to build a new palace. His wife decided that she wanted the castle to be built of stone, so he proclaimed that henceforth all loose rocks were to be delivered to his property to be used for his new home.

The trolls were beside themselves! How would they ever be able to manage their business without rocks? Their business would go broke.

Luckily the trolls recalled hearing of a magician that kept track of all of the king’s subjects that passed through fences. (For that was how the King taxed his subjects, each time they went through a gate they were charged a fee!) So the trolls called on the magician to inquire on how he did it.

The mighty magician explained that he maintained a list of all peasants. Each time one went through a gate he would place a mark. These marks were tabulated once a month for each peasant. Then each peasant was handed a “Gate Bill”

The trolls were excited! They wanted lists that would work for them too. So the magician created lists for them and named them “Spread Sheeps”.

And that is how, even to this day, we keep track of sales and receipts.